


Azura needs legs

by Starbat



Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Gen, never let it b said i back down from a bet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-29
Updated: 2017-03-29
Packaged: 2018-10-12 09:54:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10488132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starbat/pseuds/Starbat
Summary: The comic Ariel Needs Legs, but for fates, and Worse.





	

**Author's Note:**

> did u all think i had too much pride to do this
> 
> anyways im begging you all not to take this seriously 
> 
> ((here's ariel needs legs, if you somehow stumbled onto this trainwreck without watching it first: https://www. youtube. com/watch?v=_nH6ya5g2-s ))

Azura had a problem. 

Earlier in that week, she’d seen the most attractive being to ever grace the planet. Stranded on a burning ship, with only a torn shirt and compassion to aid her, swimming so, so gracefully and flashing her a look at those Tremendous abs as she turned her body for air, this being rescued a dog and swam back to shore, far from Azura’s finned range. 

Lillith told her this creature was called a “human”. Azura was transfixed. 

Knowing this, she did the only reasonable thing one could do in that situation, and immediately swam to the Sea Witch to trade her soul for seven minutes in heaven with the Hottest Piece Of Ass This Side Of Valla. 

“Mikoto, I need legs!” Azura implored, wasting no time as she approached the cavern, tail lashing behind her. From the deepest depths of the cave, gleaming eyes stared back at her. 

Mikoto hiked up her skirt and floated towards her. No swimming necessary - by pulling on her skirt, the tides filled the space and just fucking drifted her to Azura’s side. “Okay, Azura.” She said sweetly. She smiled with her eyes closed for two minutes while her dimple migrated to the other side of her face. 

“BUT NO VOICE.” A growl boomed from the cave. Mikoto finally opened her eyes after smiling and gave a much more brief smile. 

“What he said.” She repeated, head cocked. “Do you want legs?”

“Yes. I  _ need _ them.” Azura stressed. 

Mikoto nodded with grave seriousness. “It’s eight legs, right?”

Azura counted on her hands. “Yes? I believe it’s eight....” One, two -

“Okay.” MIkoto waved her hands and Did That Magic Shitt, and suddenly Azura finally had the legs she requested. 

Definitely not eight. She tried to complain, but her voice had already been succed out by Mikoto’s patented Voice Sucking Vacuum and she retreated back into her cave, dress fluttering behind her as she pushed the small vacuum and used it to clean the doorway. “We’re done here, so....leave.”

Knowing it was a lost cause, Azura swam to the surface and sucked in a deep breath. 

She could, probably, definitely, still get laid, if she just....thought a little harder. There must be some way to disguise herself.

Azura hid behind a conveniently placed boulder, where she found a thick blue dress long enough to cover her legs, but unfortunately the thick leg region of the dress seemed to have siphoned it’s practicality from the upper half, which consisted mainly of strings and a few tasteful scraps of fabric over only her nip nops and a tiny bit of her stomach. 

On the beach, outlined by the rising sun, the human from the day before danced across, flute in mouth and hands as she played the most majestic of notes from its tin body. 

She scurried over before there was time to so much as question how they would interact when Azura couldn’t speak. “Wow,” The girl said, turning around at the rhythmic beating of Azura’s Many Feet. “You’re so pretty. You also sound like two horses.” 

She nodded quickly. The girl brightened. “I’m a princess. Walk with me?”

And so they walked across the fields of golden sand, all day, Azura never tiring as when one pair of legs felt the strain she simply receded them back into her body for a while. The princess told her her name was Corrin. “You’re a good listener. I like talking to you.”

The sun was setting, and Azura stared wistfully into Corrin’s face while she explained the mechanics of the weapon triangle to her. “And so, even though what you’re holding Shouldn’t have any bearing on how well you can take a hit from a shuriken, if you switch your weapon really quickly you can HALVE the damage! I was Shookt when Jacob explained it to me. He’s my butler by the way. He says he owes me a blood debt or something but I think he’s just homeless. I’m loaded.” She shakes her head goodnatured-ly and prepares to drop the sickest beat of the century on her flute once more. 

Azura nods in understanding. This seems like an appropriate moment - she tears the dress open to make herself ready for the full seven minutes described to her by Lillith. Besides, she obviously couldn’t  _ not _ fuck her. 

Corrin blinked many many times. “Oh. Um. Hey.”

The flute hangs limp in her mouth, beautiful Noise Whistles accompanying each breath from Corrin’s nose. “I need to go ask my butler about something.” 

She fled the scene, leaving Azura to dramatically raise her fists to the sky and curse her slow counting skills and Mikoto’s haste and equally poor counting skills. She lay in the sand and waited for the tide to take her back, pouring sand onto herself to preserve her dignity all the while. 

 

* * *

“Jacob this is weird,” Corrin bemoaned her situation. She, too, had been rearing up for the seven minutes of Heaven as per Hoshidan and Nohrian tradition, but she believed that seven legs must be the limit. Eight was simply too hard to believe. She couldn’t possibly get behind  _ eight _ legs. Or on top of. Or Inside. “What do I doo.....” She was going to fall into a depression. 

First her beloved pet lizard nearly dies in a shipwreck slash fire slash lightningstorm, and now the attractive girl from the beach is impossible to date? Did the universe hate her? Corrin felt her heart have palpatations and shut it up by slamming another glass of delicious delicious -

Oh, this tea didn’t have sugar yet. It was jacob’s. Ew. She dribbled it back into the cup. 

Jacob lit a cigarette and put on his best accent (Corrin said he could only stay in her house if he could fake a British accent well enough, so he learned and soon became proficient at sounding appropriately pretentious for someone faking an English accent) before turning to her. “You like this girl, right.” He drawled, somehow, even though it made him sound like a cowboy and not a bitter servant man. 

“Yes,” Corrin said sulkily. 

“She wants your hot princess body,” He continued, in a Russian accent for some reason this time.    
  
Corrin shifted on her feet, biting her lip. He didn’t understand the confusion and terror of seeing eight legs facing him like some kind of gaping eldritch Leg Abyss. What if the reason this girl had so many legs was that she siphoned the leg essence of other people?!?!? Couldn’t he see the danger?

Clearly not. “But  _ what _ ,” He grumbled, annoyed. He lifted his coffee with only one pinky and didn’t spill somehow.

“But Jacob,  _ eight legs _ .” She implored. Jacob was a better counter than her. 

A fact he proved again with the next sentence. He took one very long drag of the cigarette he never put down. He didn’t exhale the smoke. He just fucking swallowed it, like some kind of masochist or something. At long last, he choked out, in a completely conflicting accent, “Seven vag á nias.” 

Corrin gasped. 

She had to get back to the beach!

But by the time she had arrived there, it was too late. Corrin wept to the sight of eight abandoned legs in the tide, and one ripped dress with dissolving fabric. “Oh no....” She whispered mournfully, one lone tear sliding down her face. “She gave up and returned to the sea...”

She had to do something to remember her by - Corrin took up her flute, that had been handily stashed away in the back pocket she didn’t have on her weird JRPG future scale-armor-bullshit, and put it to her lips despite how close it just was to her butt, and played a tearjerking rendition of the penny whistle solo from  _ The Titanic _ . 

In the distance she heard a lizard get smacked, or something. 

**Author's Note:**

> if any of this makes sense let me know and i'll delete it!!1!!11!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 
> 
> :))


End file.
